The stuff our Fathers are made of

ERMA BOMBECK

When the Lord was creating Fathers, he started with a tall frame. And a female angel nearby said, “What kind of Father is that? If you’re going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won’t be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.”

And God smiled and said, “Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?”

And when God made a Father’s hands, they were large and sinewy. And the angel shook her head sadly and said, “Do you know what you’re doing? Large hands are clumsy. They can’t manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats.”

And God smiled and said, “I know, but they’re large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day... yet small enough to cup a child’s face in his hands.”

And then God moulded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. And the angel nearly had a heart attack. “Boy, this is the end of the week, all right,” she clucked. “Do you realise you just made a Father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the child falling between his legs?” God said, “A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to balance a boy on a bicycle, and hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus.”

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet when the angel said,“That’s not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries?” God smiled and said, “They’ll work. You’ll see. They’ll support a small child who wants to ride a horse or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill.”

God worked throughout the night, giving the Father few words, but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that saw everything, but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, he added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, “Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a Mother?”

The angel shutteth up.

—