TALK TO ME : ‘It’s not too late to love’

As promised earlier, The Himalayan Times’ very own personal counsellor Sangeeta Thapa begins to share her wisdom and provide sane and fresh advice to the problems of our young readers every Sunday from today. Sangeeta can be reached at

What if she ditches me?

I’m in love with a girl and she loves me, too. However, since some weeks I have been feeling that she wants to break up. I don’t know what to do. Please suggest a plan so that I can get her on my side or at least feel better.

—Kewal, Chabahil

Dear Kewal,

There is nothing sadder than feeling insecure in a relationship. Ideally love itself is that all encompassing feeling that keeps a couple together. If you truly love this girl, you should feel secure enough to ask her gently what is troubling her. She might be going through some other stressfull factors in her life, that is putting a strain on your relationship. Also reevaluate your own behaviour and see if you have caused her some anxiety with your insensitivity. Learn to wake up to BOTH your needs and make amends. It’s not too late to love.

I’m a compulsive liar

I’m a compulsive liar. My deceptions are elaborate and crazy but I can’t seem to stop. Ever since the tenth standard or so (I’m just shy of my mid-20s now), I have been a compulsive liar, a thief and a bit of a manipulator. So far, this has ruined countless friendships and several long-term relationships. Sometimes the motivation is laziness, sometimes it’s all in the noble spirit of braggadocio, sometimes it’s just because I can or because I relish the simple thrill of getting away with something. I don’t really know why. For example, I don’t think my last girlfriend was aware of the fact that for nearly three years I’d go to local libraries to read up on the subjects I was supposedly formally studying, and that I was researching the local university’s infrastructure, geography and staff so I could keep up the illusion that I went there. I even went so far as to manufacture homework, quizzes, projects, transcripts and examination forms for myself. What is this? Am I a sociopath? Or an extreme narcissist? I don’t really know if there’s any advice to be given, or if there is, that I’d have courage enough to follow it. I suppose I just want to know if there’s still some hope for me to become a good person.

— Alankar Kharel, Bhaisepati

Dear Alankar,

The most significant point here is that you realize that you have a serious problem.Your elaborate games of deception and bouts of kleptomania are in keeping with a psychological disorder that could come under the category of ‘biopolar syndrome’. I would like to inform you that many people in Nepal today suffer from psychological problems.In the recent past, visiting a psychiatrist had a certain stigma, thereby rendering the field of psychiatry into a nebulous misunderstood area.Even today, very few individuals and families take the initiative of visiting a psychiatrist.This is the age of informed, vist a psychiatrist before you endanger your family, friends or yourself. Listed below are the names and numbers of two psychiatrists

1.Dhurba Man Shrestha Tel: 4261796

2.Nirakar Man Shrestha Tel: 4255981

I have a crush on my colleague

I have a crush on my colleague. Earlier on, we never spoke but recently we have developed a friendship. However, if and whenever I think or make any attempt of approaching her with my situation, she seems to cool off. Recently, she has been talking and passing comments about me to her peers. This is intolerable to me. I can’t seem to confront her with this because she always denies the whole affair. My close friends say that there is another guy she is involved with but she is also interested in me. But I believe that, despite my friends’ suggestions, my telling her would be impolitic. I am waiting for her now to come clean with me. I haven’t eaten well for days and I can’t sleep. How long must I wait?

—Pravin Khanal, Maharajgunj

Firstly, you should not feel insecure about what is not yours, so far it seems like just a friendship. But if you really like her and want to sleep and eat well make some time to be alone with her and tell her what you feel. So you know once and for all where you stand.

Tormented by the present

n I recently went through a breakup of a very short affair. Three months after it began it was completely over, by his choice.I went into this believing it might have a long lifespan. Mostly I was drawn to him because being with him reminded me of the life I’d previously led, a life with a wonderful soulmate who died many years ago. This fling individual behaved badly while breaking up with me. I’m not faulting him for that. My problem is that the grief that has surfaced with this breakup is clearly tied to the lingering grief of losing my first and only love, long ago soulmate, a man who died of cancer. When I try to bring up how that original loss feels, so that I can deal with old feelings of losing a boy who was in my life for six formative years, of losing a devastating battle with cancer and whose death has coloured my entire life, I find only this fling person comes to mind.

How do I reach past this buzzing annoyance and get to the harder, still half-buried, deeper grief? Why am I allowing myself to dwell on a short-lived mismatch? Is the harder stuff so painful I can’t bear to look it in the eye? Can anything so old (two decades now) be so strong that I need to avoid it with this distraction, even when I’m actively trying to access it? I’m ready at this late date to deal with this first grief, yet my mind will only come up with these sloppy seconds. Help!

— Kareena Manandhar, Boudha

Dear Kareena,

It seems as though you settled into your second affair, to get over the grief and loss of your first love. You also admit that your got involved with your “fling” because he reminded you of your pevious love. He clearly began with the advantage of finding a vulnerable sensitive girl and soon discovered the disadvantage when he realized that you came with a lot of emotional baggage, which must have led to comparisions. In short there was a ghost in the relationship. This is probably what promted him to move on. It has hard to compete with the memory of a dead person. Somehow in death, even ordinary mortals get diefied. Please take time off for some introspection and remember to bury the past and move on.Your annoyance with this fling stems from your ego. Your previous love just died, this one, walked out on you. Annoyance is a good emotion, it provides an important clue, you have gotten over the grief. You are feeling other emotions other than depression.Learn to forgive both your fling and yourself and be prepared to love again, the future belongs to those who make things happen.