Do you speak up when someone breaks into a line ahead of you, or do you silently burn in anger toward that person? What do you do when a salesclerk is ignoring you? You should speak up and interrupt the clerk’s conversation with another clerk and ask for service. Can you say no when a salesperson has you pinned against the wall? Can you try on several suits in a clothing store and then buy nothing?

To assert: to insist on one’s rights; to demand one’s fair share, and fair means fifty-fifty or equal; to stand up to people when we are dissatisfied with a relationship or arrangement. Assertive behaviour is for conflict situations. Conflicts come when people disagree on how to distribute the benefits and responsibilities of their relationship. When there are no conflicts, then a certain amount of both aggressive and passive behaviour is acceptable and, at times, even desirable. But conflict requires assertive behaviour most if the time. Only when we believe the other person to be incapable of fairness or understanding should we use aggression or passivity in conflict situations.

The assertive person begins by stating his own view of what would be a more equitable distribution of the responsibilities and benefits of the relationship. If his view is then disputed, he expects to negotiate, to bargain, to compromise, to deal, to give and take, to arrange trade-offs, and even to haggle — all in the spirit of a desire for a mutually satisfying agreement. — The Bright Side of Depression