It is a big change, and it produces quite a reaction. As we use the assertive approach, we should proceed on a small scale at first and give ourselves time to practice and perfect it. We should expect that our first attempt will be unclear and give a mixed and confusing message; others may not understand what we want and may resent our efforts. If they are irritated, we should understand this. But we must persist with our behaviour even if it is imperfect. We cannot back down. We must insist on changes that we think will put the relationship on a fair footing; and others will soon grow to accept our insistence on our rights. Eventually they respect us for it.

Here is a list of rights as set forth in the book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (Manuel J Smith, 1975): You are the only one who has the right to judge your own behaviour and take the responsibility for it. Some others — your spouse, parents, children, employer, banker, and friends — may think they have the right to judge you, but they don’t; you don’t have to offer excuses for your behaviour. Whenever others demand to know why you are doing something, it’s a good time to tell them to give you more breathing space; only you can decide how much you want to help others. You owe no help to others.

Help them only if you decide that is what you want to do. And if anyone says you owe him some help, set the record straight. Don’t let others’ guilt trip you into sticking with what you said earlier. — The Bright Side of Depression