Eileen Mitchell

Day after day, my codeine-addled brain seemed capable of nothing more challenging than trying to suck yet another banana and peanut butter smoothie through my wired jaws while watching “What Not to Wear” and “10 Years Younger.” At least these programmes served one useful purpose: a reminder to shower. Afternoons concluded with my new favourite discovery, Ellprah [-noun: Ell-pruh: the simultaneous viewing of Ellen and Oprah achieved through channel-jumping).

By week four I was starting to panic over my lethargic, swollen state. But during a post-op appointment with Dr. Beelzebub, he reassured me that what I was experiencing was quite typical. “Most patients feel really lousy for the first four weeks,” he said, “and then one morning, all of a sudden, they wake up feeling great!” Guess what? Exactly five weeks and four days after my surgery, I woke up one bright morning and something felt different... right. I bounced out of bed and discovered that the mental fog had lifted and my energy had returned. I actually felt like going out! Catch a matinee or call some friends. The lower half of my face was still numb and would remain so for several months, but hey, my body felt alive!

What more could I ask? Well, maybe just one thing: I still have one week left before I return to work. In the meantime, if you’re reading this, Dr. Hottie, all is forgiven. Why don’t you (nudge-nudge-wink-wink) give me a call?