Experiences of dishonesty
Our readers feel, it is not always possible to stay away from dishonest people, but we can either avoid them or change them
Like any other individual I have come across dishonest individuals in my life, both men and women. I was initially frustrated by their actions as some of them were close relatives while some were peers and colleagues. I learnt that direct negative criticism of an individual does not actually help to remove dishonesty from that individual; or by shaming someone in public possibly triggers a far more negative attitude that pushes an individual towards being more dishonest. The best strategy that I have found is to be genuinely empathetic towards a dishonest individual, allow him/her to save face by avoiding direct confrontation and criticism. However, trying to influence him/her positively and identifying the issues and challenges that dishonesty adds to someone’s personal life and family, I have been successful in at least reducing the urge from being dishonest in some individuals. I sincerely believe that if we are caring and positive in our engagement with a dishonest individual and genuinely try to help him/her to avoid this tendency, often we could land in at least partly transforming an individual.
— Saikat Kumar Basu, Lethbridge AB Canada T1J 4B3
Dishonesty is a human trait like love, grief, happiness and sorrow. In life, we meet a lot of dishonest people, be it in the form of manipulative relatives to blood sucking friends. They are a part of life. In every twist and turn, it isn’t uncommon to meet such people who are dishonest in various aspects. I too have been dishonest countless number of times. Any person who claims not to be dishonest is lying. Rather than finding fault in others I prefer to talk of my own flaws when it comes to an instance of dishonesty. Once I lied about my feelings to further a relationship that was going nowhere. To deal with it, I blamed it on youthful naivety and made peace with myself. When others are dishonest to me, I usually forgive them, urging them to never do it again, and in case of repetition by the person, I cut off my ties with him/her reprimanding them.
— Suyog Upadhaya, The Skylark English School, Dhapasi, Kathmandu
When I was studying in +2 level here in my hometown in Tansen, one of the new colleagues of our class came in touch with me. Eventually, we became best friends. We used to share everything; our problems and even secrets of each other. I used to help him in maintaining notes of different subjects. After +2 graduation, we met in Kathmandu, while preparing for the entrance examinations for admission in Pulchowk Campus. He helped me to settle in one of the boys’ hostels in Maitidevi where we stayed together for about two months.
One day he shattered my sentiments, and I lost trust on him. He got involved in my internal matters which disturbed me mentally. Since then, I have no interest to patch up with him even though he frequently texts or calls me. I think it is better to quit the company of dishonest people like him without hurting them back. Also, I follow the philosophy of moving alone than to move with the crowd in wrong direction.
— Sanjog Karki, Tansen-6, Basantapur, Palpa
I am a girl of early 20s and I have met a lot of two-faced people who act like decent person in front of you and talk behind your back. I personally don’t like to be friends with such people and I always tell my friends to say things on my face be it good or bad. Likewise, I say things on his/her face which is why I am called rude. But who cares, I have my small group of friends who are always by my side. You don’t have to be friends with those who you don’t like. Leaving those dishonest people on their own and minding own business will be a really great thing.
— Sunita Shakya, Lalitpur
One of the bitter sweet realities of this world is that it’s very rare to meet honest people. Everyone wants to be good in front of the world. So, to earn good name and fame, one steps into dishonesty and we become dishonest with others and to oneself. It’s very habitual that we become experts to point out the negativity in others and fail to see plenty within us. We are not aware of our dishonest nature. Rather we consider ourselves the victim of dishonest people. I feel a need for change as change can really happen only when I change myself. I believe in prayers and I do pray to the divine god to remove this dishonesty from our hearts to make this world more beautiful and true.
— Dreamtwriter, Kalimpong
Many choose dishonesty to betrayal but there are some who use it to protect, to care and to conceal bitter facts of life. For instance, as I grew older, I realised that my mum used it too but they were never meant to harm me. Some lies are told to hide pain and perhaps even to be happy. So I am okay with people being dishonest for such reasons. Probably, that’s because dishonesty is a spice of life. You don’t have to deal with it in a specific way; you learn to accept them and move on spontaneously.
— Shreemad Pradhan, Bangemudha, Kathmandu
In the journey of life, we’re meant to encounter many lives. So, in this expedition, we come across individuals with different faces towards different people. We tend to show our various faces towards different individuals and hence, dishonesty becomes our main concern. Now and then, I meet dishonest people. There’s no surprise that these people are the most stubborn and difficult to deal with. They try really hard to accuse when in real they’re deluded. They are so much deluded that they believe whatever they say or do is correct. Much to my annoyance, I have to deal with them. But I neither let their dishonesty overpower my perception nor let them control my thoughts and emotions. Simply, I try to understand the effect it has on me and then, I confront their actions, not by accusing them rather by showing where they are wrong. If they still don’t realise their mistake, I simply move forward. I may have been negatively affected by someone’s unethical behaviour, but I have stood up confidently against it.
— Samagya Pradhan
There are different kinds of people in this world and we have to deal with them. Some people are kind but some are mean. Dishonest people are so heartless that they don’t respect other people and their feelings. Avoiding these heartless people is a perfect solution. But at some point of life, we have to deal with such people. We should treat them nicely so that they realise their mistakes and feel guilty about his/her behaviour towards other people.
— Rebati Karki, Basundhara
I met a guy during my school days, initially he was so good to me. Later he turned out to be the most dishonest guy I have ever met. I used to share all tiny and big secrets of mine with him as we had became good friends in no time. As time passed, I found out that he was not worth that. He used to reveal all those things of mine with his stupid friends and misinterpret me. When I got to know that, I was completely broken and frustrated. But being strong, I forgave him, who didn’t even sincerely apologise. I believe in — forget, forgive and move on and that is how we should deal with such people. But don’t forget the lesson you learn from them.
Dealing with dishonest people is not easy. Recently I broke up with my best friend because of her dishonesty. We have known each other since Class IV. I don’t know why she was dishonest to me. I told her how I feel about the situation and how hard it is to trust a liar. After that she felt sorry for her dishonesty and I forgave her and moved on. After all everyone needs second chance and she is my best friend. But after a month she continued to lie and ignored my feelings, and this time I couldn’t forgive her because I was hurt. So, I ended my seven years’ friendship with her.
— Neelam Khanal Tansen, Palpa
Our lives are not always butterflies and rainbows. Sometimes we face betrayals, dishonesty, and many more incidences which we despise. They are uncontrollable but perhaps we are able to control ourselves. While in this journey of our life, we all have come to a point in our life where people have become dishonest with us. I have experienced that too. It’s very hurtful and frustrating to find out that the person close to us have lied to us — they could have told us truth in a bitter way than feeding us with sweet lies. And such situations should be dealt with care. I deal with these kinds of people by first confronting and then providing a chance to explain their activities. Listen to their confession — everything will be better and you will be able to make peace with your friend.
It is true that in our life we have to deal with some people who are dishonest and irritating. It would be quite selfish to act like them. Then there would be no difference between them and you. It’s you who is going to make the difference. So, instead of acting like them to their response, we must keep calm and sort all the problems carefully. I know it’s a bit difficult to change attitude of such people but trust me our behaviour can have little effect on them. Besides ‘An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’.
— Tenzin Kelsang
Knowing the real faces of people is a plus point because we may no longer waste our time and faith in vain. In order to deal with such double standard people we must let go off their presence. Rather than being frustrated and planning a revenge back, we ought to move along and be wiser. One way or the other, truth will always find its way, overcoming dishonesty. Therefore, the best way to preserve positivity is to deny negativity and negative people.
— Kabita Oliya, Kalopul, Kathmandu
Though I haven’t met someone who is absolutely dishonest with me but there are some who pretend to be loyal and good. But, in my view, if someone is dishonest to others, they are also dishonest to themselves. For example: a man is doing some kind of job but if he’s not satisfied with it, he pretends to be happy with his job. That man is just not pretending to be happy and is blocking his way to share his dissatisfaction and unhappiness with others that he is holding within himself. Gradually, that man might get stressed out and could even have some other serious type of mental disorders like depression. Alas, being dishonest to oneself is more pathetic than being dishonest to others. Overall, in my view, one key for being happy in his/her life is being honest to oneself as well as to others.
— Prasuna Pandit, Imadol-5, Lalitpur
We humans live with bad and good sides inside us. It depends on an individual what s/he chooses to be. But dishonesty is a worst feeling when you realise that you were used or cheated by someone near. I first feel agony wishing I could do the same back to him/her. But why stoop so low? Surely you can’t forget what you feel but neither can you make them never be around you. So just being cautious in the future will do and let karma do the rest. And I make sure I do nothing wrong to good people around me because I have gone through it and it’s not good to let your close ones feel that mess again.
— Somika Shrestha
We encounter many people in life who possess different personality traits — some people are honest and real while some are dishonest and fake. It’s very frustrating as we can’t stay away from dishonest people. I do have encountered such people who were dishonest to me at times. The best way to deal with them is — tackling them in their own way. If we point at someone stating that s/he is dishonest or fake, then s/he might get offended and point at us as well in return. So, we have to tackle people according to how they are to us. And if they are dishonest and love to play with people’s emotions and feelings, it’s absolutely fine because at the end of the day you are the one who are being judged as per how you portray yourself in front of others.
— Tejaswi Pahari, Jawalakhel, Lalitpur
There is a saying, ‘One man can change the world’. The incident happened nearly one month ago, when I used to tell others to start cleaning community as our community has been a mess. They agreed initially but nobody was present when the time came. But their dishonesty didn’t halt me there. Today, I have started the change from myself. And looking at me, I hope someday others will be there for the change.
— Nabin Joshi, Bright Future S School
To be dishonest with others is to be dishonest with one self. We think that by being dishonest we will escape through many things easily. Actually we are fooling ourselves by doing so. I have come across with many dishonest people in my life. They have upset me many times. I have found that it is very hard to deal with them. I have tried to counsel them and tell the negative impacts of being dishonest. I have tried to convince them saying dishonesty never leads us to success in life. Rather it leads us towards failure. Honesty is a greatest virtue that all should acquire in one’s life so that all other virtues follow us, to make our life beautiful.
— Sabina Sharma, St Xavier College, Maitighar
It’s suffocating to lie someone who belongs to our heart. In our lifetime we are always compelled to lie, so that we are on safe side and protect the relationship between each other. To start a new chapter of life I have been lying for years and years. I have been hiding the reality of my life, which has followed me like a shadow. I can never change the past neither I can reveal my past — it has been a clandestine story of my life. I think about the way I easily lie looking into the eyes. I had promised that I won’t make my happiness a puff of smoke and let it blow away easily. I know I have been dishonest but I can do nothing, as it’s been the schedule of life to live further.
— Bandana K C
Perfection is illusion. Everyone who we might consider to be perfect may be criticised frequently by someone else. We all have our share of well-wishers and haters. It is mistake to change the way of dealing with someone for being dishonest because what we think is not always the truth. And who knows we may have acted in the similar manner had we been in their shoes. Also reacting to others’ character is not being true to ourselves. We must always act according to our character. Integrity in our character while dealing with people of different nature earns us self-respect.
Oftentimes in our life we have to deal with people who time and again break our trust. I have so many such incidences in my life where people have cheated on me and have been dishonest with me. They first win our trust, but after some time they change to their true colour and leave us to suffer. Once I was in love with a girl and we started dating after expressing feeling for each other. I was madly in love with her and I had never thought about any other girl in my life. I was 100 per cent committed to her. Later I got to know that her love was fake. Obviously it made me upset for almost a year — I wasted my one year of youth. But I am cool now, so nowadays I don’t take relationships seriously and don’t believe someone pretty easily. I am aware now, being alert helps a lot. So I try to avoid and stay away from such kind of people who hurt you in the name of love.
— Kes Bahadur Pun, Simpani, Pokhara
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
We all love our mother unconditionally and want to inherit some of her qualities. What characteristics of your mother — good, funny or anything else — would you want to inherit, why? Illustrate. Send your replies in not more than 200 words by Friday, May 6 by 2:00 pm to Features, The Himalayan Times, e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org