Subani Poudel:

Twilight and evening bell/ And after that the dark!/ And may there be no sadness of farewell/ When I embark.”

If only we could know how long we would live we’d dare to make more mistakes. For

my part I would take fewer things seriously. I’d eat more ice creams and fewer beans. These are the things I usually think lying on my cosy bed. If we could enjoy each moment of our life as our last then may be we could live our life to the lees.

Wherever I go, I see a painful smile, a fake smile on people’s faces. And that relates to a fear about my death. They seem to be smiling in front of me but inside they must be thinking, “She’s going to kick the bucket anyway.” And that’s true. But on this journey of life, on my way to the destination, I want to be able to laugh with my parents as we used to do. I want to go to my school and then my college just the way it used to be. I want to hang on to the telephone for hours and then want to hear the same lecture my father used to give about the importance of time. But now who else knows the greater value of time then I do? I could give anything in the world to get back the lost moments.

I have seen many people who are being propelled towards the inevitable faster than others spending the countdown by very much staying alive. I don’t want to stay alive and spent every walking moment looking for a cure, running from a doctor to doctor, drug to drug and hope to hope. I want to be alive and enjoy my remaining moments. I just want to be happy and live my days in the usual way. I have no hate or hardness towards life or death. But sometimes it hurts when I see my dear ones already worried and mourning my ultimate exit. I want them to be the same person even after I am buried. I just don’t want them to remember me with tears in their eyes.

I realised for the first time that I don’t have forever. I now understand that living itself has a deadline and that’s for everyone. As I have started my walk through the valley of dark, I don’t want to leave any unfinished business. To reconnect with my friends and relatives, to call whom I have long neglected. If nothing else, I want them to know that I have unrequited love for them.

I don’t want to run away from death by denying it. I wonder why people fear death. As for me, I would like to die fully conscious. And that is what I have embarked upon.

“Stand still, O beautiful end for a moment/ And say your last word in silence/ I bow to you and hold up my lamp to/ Light you on your way.”