MIDWAY : Looking for a change

Nabin Khanal:

It’s another day and time for yet another lousy lecture. But difficult questions crisscross my mind. As I roll my head, I figure out I am lagging behind everybody in mugging up the lesson. Yet I decide to embark on my usual emotional roller coaster ride.

It’s been long since I have been trying to bring about some changes in myself. Abhorrent to monotony, I never hesitate to change things; be it my get-up or my habits. But what has been uncharacteristic of me this time is that the changes have been long in coming. I haven’t given up trying either every occasion, I have a lot of resolutions but even I sometimes don’t remember where they disappear in the hectic pace of life.

I want to change a lot of things in me. This time though, I want to instil a bit of optimism, self-possession, dedication, enthusiasm and humbleness, things I regard I have in profusion for my transition from a school boy to a free thinking person I see myself as.

I want to see the same ambitions fuelling my every move in life; I want to have the same childish fight with my friends and I want to have the same carefree attitude towards life. I have wanted childhood to last forever. May be this time, I am aware I can’t do so but still why do I want to change?

May be I am searching for satisfaction within me. I know even small things bother me big time and hence satisfaction for me is always at stake. But have I gone too far? Someone once said never confuse your life with your career. I want changes in my attitude and eliminating a few frustrations within me doesn’t mean I think about things as big as life, at least big for me. I should be satisfied with who I am and how I am, barring the problem I have, which I think everyone does.

It’s just that the compromises we make with every moment make us grow stronger. So, may be I don’t need any of this and continue to be myself; never satisfied and things will be right by themselves. There are some people, in fact, a lot of them, who think I am stubborn, proud, introvert and blah blah; the very reason that stimulated my search of new me. Now I have realised, those who matter to me are always there for me no matter how others think, there’s no reason I run after other’s advice.

Huh! After all this justification, I couldn’t help wonder about the significance of all my hi-fi views; I am not approaching my life with any kind of concrete views like these; I am the same me I was half an hour ago. The only impact: the lecture passed without a yawn!