“Let’s talk only after we meet.” Your last words before disconnecting the call, and words that left me with heartrending pain. “Okay,” as I replied, tears filled my eyes, and immense exhaustion captured my body. Everything came to a standstill. I knew I had to let you go.
No matter how much we know what is forthcoming, we can never be fully prepared for it. At the very moment, its intensity never fails to hit us right in the feels with its precision.
I knew this was coming for us, but that winter night, gulping back the tears as I lay down covered in blankets, the ache of saudade clutched me. I hated adversity for making me incapable to say to you, “Don’t go.” I was angry, I was sad …I wanted to cry and I wanted to be mad at you. But I couldn’t.
Deep in my heart, I know it was not easy for you, too. During our past few conversations, I could sense the struggle. The distance was tearing you apart. You wanted to be with me but my reluctance in sharing and holding back numerous things from you was starting to bother you. I could feel the anguish in your voice. Moreover, knowing that I was the reason for your pain was hurting me. It would be very selfish of me to put you through the misery when the reasons were from my end. I pushed you away many times, and now I deserve this distance.
I am waiting for the day I will meet you. My stubbornness will not let you believe, but trust me, I miss you. You are instantly the first thought in my every happy and sad moment. I desire each day to be with you – yearning for a glimpse of you. I miss getting everyday doses of your intellect and humour. I close my eyes, and memories of us come rushing back, overwhelming me. I replay our conversations in my mind. However, there are words without your sound. I crave to listen to the sound of your voice. In many desperate moments, I resist the urge to dial your number to avoid things to get unpleasant.
I cannot wait for us to be a part of my everyday routine again. What a miserable stretch of time it is! I am waiting with bated breath to hear your heartwarming ‘Hello’ after those excruciating words. Now, I am ever more thankful for that moment as this absence only makes me realise how much more I want to be with you. I cannot wait to be tugged in your arms. Be ready for our meeting because there is so much I want to share with you and, above all, get an eyeful of you as you sip your sugar-free black coffee.
A version of this article appears in print on January 15, 2020 of The Himalayan Times.