Linda Field

In every relationship, there are times when you need to kiss and make up. But what bonds together couples who appear to be in constant turmoil?

I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him? Love her to bits but she drives you crazy? One minute you are all lovey-dovey, the next it’s all over and you’re splitting up - for good this time. And then, ah well, you just can’t resist going back and giving it another try. When your love life becomes a soap opera with the repeating drama of reconciliation and separation, it’s time to take a good look at what is really going on. The romantic view suggests that, perhaps,

you really are soulmates, inextricably bound by the threads of fate, destined to be drawn together to the end of your days, for better and worse. In the exciting phase of making up again, this version is easy to believe. Any relationship can succeed as long as it satisfies the needs of both people involved. When a yo-yo relationship works, it means that the emotional needs of both parties are met by conflict, rapturous extremes and instability, and it’s very easy to interpret the turbulent ups and downs as the passion of true love. But our destiny is of our own making; we make conscious relationship choices, and are magnetically drawn to certain types and particular energy patterns - if someone is in a yo-yo relationship, it is because they have chosen to be. So why would they make such a choice? People who are afraid to commit but who want some security will be drawn to on-off relationships, where they can have intimacy without obligation. Often, however, one half of the couple will eventually want more than this sort of relationship can offer. It is difficult to sustain a loving and intimate partnership when the sand is always shifting beneath your feet. And when the prospect of having children emerges, the yo-yo relationship doesn’t have a lot going for it. As soon as one partner wants a different sort of relationship, the yo-yo game loses its lustre and can create insecurity. So, yo-yo at your peril.