You know how you look at Steven Seagal and think: “I could know you for 1,000 years and still there would be aspects of your being that would have yet to unfurl themselves like so many beautiful lotus flowers?” You’re totally right. It turns out that for the past two decades, the Under Siege legend has been a fully commissioned Louisiana cop — and he’s finally ready to start talking about his life in law enforcement. More specifically, he’s finally ready to start making a reality TV series about it.

The world has long known that Seagal possesses a seventh dan black belt in aikido and a 10th dan in not taking any crap from drug lords. Hitherto, however, the whole smalltown justice sideline had been kept under wraps — and it remains the most potent of rebukes to those who say that these days Seagal couldn’t even get arrested in Hollywood. You know what? He doesn’t need to. He’s doing the arresting — and he’s doing it in the livery of the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office. Do not attempt to resist, or he’ll slap the bracelets on you, and the hell with your Miranda rights.

Clearly, the first question is how Seagal’s traditional justice-dispensing techniques have been adapted within the framework of Louisiana state law, given that his typical MO is to break any miscreant’s wrist before throwing them through a window, occasionally using a bar towel or microwave as an improvised weapon. The highways of Muncie, Indiana, are patrolled by erstwhile ChiPs actor Erik Estrada, who so enjoyed his role in another US reality show last year that he recently stated: “I am a law enforcement officer first now. I am a cop who will act once in a while.” The show in question was Armed & Famous, whose premise was basically to give sublebrities loaded guns and order them to police a real town.

As for how the show went. . . Estrada unleashed an obscenity-laden tantrum at an ambulance patient who accidentally referred to him as Emilio Estevez. But the standout triumph featured our rookies storming the house of a woman who was watching TV alone in her nightgown. According to court papers, she was left so shaken that she could only explain her ordeal to actual cops with the words.