The Guardian

London

As a result of happy circumstance, my friend Rebecca is in the enviable position of

being the breadwinner, while her man looks after the children. “So how is it,’’ she asks me, “that at 10 o’clock on a weekday morning, I find myself looking after the children while my husband goes for a run?’’

Rebecca and I talk frequently on the phone, as I am in a similar situation. My husband left his job just as I got a new contract to work from home. I had no idea how it was going to work, but he was enthusiastic — he had put our first baby to bed every night for the first two years while I worked late, so it’s not as if he was new to childcare. We decided to give it a try.

In the early days of the arrangement, my working day was limited to the new baby’s nap times. Sure, my husband was running the household and doing childcare. He was taking our two-year-old to the zoo, to the beach, to the aquarium, they went shopping together, and had a great time. It was marvellous. Except that he was looking after one child, and we have two. To manage two children at the same time, he assured me, was beyond the capabilities of normal people.

Our children, both under three, are probably at the most demanding age — between working at a computer and caring for toddlers, there is absolutely no question as to which is the more arduous.

Much of the time, my husband feels I’m shirking when I sneak off to my study to squeeze in an hour’s work, and because I know how hard his job is, I am easily dissuaded from going up to my study. I can’t just sit at my desk if I hear howling from downstairs — either their howls or his. A sensible person would have rented an office so she wouldn’t be in the house. But it seemed an unnecessary expense and, quite frankly, I don’t think the arrangement would have lasted five minutes. Forced to care for both children for an eight-hour day, my husband would have rebelled.

“I often find myself thinking, if you were a woman, you would just get on with it,” grumbles Rebecca. “How many women doing gruelling days with two or three children would love to say, ‘I can’t do it, you have to lend a hand.’ Of course, he isn’t a woman, and there are not many men who would do as much as he does.’’

Psychologist Janet Riebstein, who lectures on families and relationships, says that negotiation is the key. “The only way to make it work is to treat parenting like a business. You need routines, and clarity. You need to say, ‘You are responsible from four till six.’ Or, ‘three days a week, you are in charge.’ If you change the boundaries and have no clarity, all hell breaks loose. The kids decide who’s in charge, and that becomes the routine.’’

My male friends who work from home don’t seem to have any problem negotiating themselves a full working day. Nick makes his wife furious because, although he is in the house, he is never available to help with the children. Linda, whose

husband Alex works at home while she looks after their three children, expects him to go to his study and stay there till 5.30. Until he made an office in a small outbuilding in the garden, they were getting right on top of each other. “We both like our space,’’ she says, “but you know what writers are like: they’ll do almost anything rather than write. He used to come down every five minutes and make a cup of tea, interrupting my day. Now he’s got his work space, it’s much better for us both.’’

Alex is only required to help out with their three small children in a dire emergency. Even that, he admits, he does with reluctance: “I just can’t cope. It’s partly resentment, as it’s not my job.’’ From the father’s point of view, there is very little to recommend full-time parenting.

“You will never get any credit from anyone as a man looking after children,’’ says Frank, who works part-time and does three-quarters of the childcare. “You will get a lot of hostility. The only credit you are likely to get is from other mothers who are going to use your example to complain to their husbands, and thus alienate all your friends. Work colleagues will look at you with pity and disdain. I have stood outside school gates for years without anyone speaking to me ever.’’

My husband admits he sometimes feels like a cipher, with no value or purpose. Most full-time parents, both men and women, feel that way at some time, especially those whose career has been achievement-oriented. When you are in the thick of temper tantrums, with children who refuse to eat, hit each other and are still running downstairs at 9pm, you never feel you are doing a good job. As well as losing status, the full-time father gives up the benefits, such as money to spend on himself, and a room of his own — with limited space, only one person in the family is going to get a study.

“Most men caring for the children full time see it as taking time out from their career,’’ says Dr Riebstein, author of ‘Staying Alive: A Family Memoir’. “It is so much less socially acceptable for a man to have no career path at all, whereas it is a choice that a woman makes. The social devaluing of a man without a work role can come between a man and his partner. Over time, it can create a problem.’’

Dealing with resentment from the full-time parent isn’t easy, when you know you couldn’t hack it yourself. “Coming back from business trips is a nightmare,’’ says Rebecca, “I am always in the doghouse for a day or two. He never, ever asks me what I did, who I saw, was it interesting. While I’m away he phones me every day to tell me how little the children have slept, and how often they’ve been sick.’’ Every man I meet in the course of business who asks about my home arrangements is amazed.

“You have a very understanding husband,’’ said one man, whose wife divorced him because his work took precedence over his family. “I bet he thinks you’re off having a great time.” I do consider myself (and more importantly, my children) extremely fortunate in having their father looking after them: this time together will lay dow n the foundation of their relationships for the rest of their lives. Since I have a flexible working timetable, we have to work at creating a structured personal arrangement.

Some find the separation of work and family life essential, but it would not work for me. Sometimes, I’m playing with the baby before her midday nap, and I think about how I used to spend all day in an office, looking at my children’s photos instead of tickling their feet. For a parent, working from home is ideal in many ways, but easy to spoil by failing to negotiate with one’s partner over time.