Greater loss hath no woman...

Dipti Sherchan


When Anita Gurung found out that she was pregnant, her happiness knew no bounds. The very feeling of being a mother added delight to marriage. “Tests showed positive but I wanted to wait another month until I went to the doctors,” she says. “My husband was very excited too. My first reaction was — O my God! I was excited about the whole experience.”

Two months later, she suffered a miscarriage. “I started to bleed. Everyone said it was normal. I had to have an ultra sound twice to know that I had really lostthe baby. Depression set in. I hated myself and thought everyone blamed me,” confides Gurung. Thankfully, her husband and family supported her during the difficult period. She states, “My family was very supportive. I felt like they were all pointing fingers at me, I couldn’t tell my husband how lonely and depressed I felt. He was there for me but I hated myself.”

The worst fear of nearly every parent is losing a child. The pain suffered by parents who have lost babies to miscarriage is as real as the of those who lose children later in life. When a woman goes through a miscarriage, she loses the most. She feels angry and sad after a miscarriage while many feel a strong sense of guilt even though it is not their fault. It is natural to feel grief over the loss of a child. People around them must be prepared to listen to what they have experienced and deal with the strong emotions involved. The spouses must support each other. Men and women tend to grieve differently. Each one’s emotional reaction may place an enormous strain on the relationship. The experience may bring you closer or you may feel alienated. Many men are concerned with their partner’s well being, but find it difficult to express themselves. Some feel they need to stay strong and suppress their feelings. You need to encourage your spouse to express.

People tend to blame mothers if they suffer a miscarriage. They believe that if they had taken care of themselves the misfortune would not have occurred. No mother in the world wants to kill her baby. An unborn baby becomes a part of her. When a miscarriage occurs, she needs support to heal. Gurung points out, “It was hard when people came to you after the miscarriage and told you what you should not have done. Why did they not come before? We have sex education at school but not many women know what to do when you are pregnant especially in the first three months. No one blamed me but everyone said maybe it was for the best. I would advise women to consult your GP before you start a family. ”

Psychologist Asha Basnet says, “If there is any indication that there will be a complication when the mother is pregnant, the doctor should tell the mother beforehand so she can prepare to face it. People can advise a pregnant woman anytime. After a baby is born, most mothers will go through emotional difficulty and this is normal. But when it exceeds she will go through depression and one kind is Post Partum. Then she will need psychological support. If a mother had a miscarriage, she needs full support from her family, friends and relatives. She will go into depression for sure and support will help her get over depression soon. If not, she will go into Post Partum depression.” Any woman who finds it difficult to deal with grief or continues to feel depressed should consult a psychologist. Basnet shares, “She will need psychological support and if that does not help then she should go for treatment.” No matter how you deal with your loss, taking care of yourself is essential to healing both physically and emotionally. You will carry this loss with you for life, but it is possible to start living happily again.