Some tips for those who take life way too seriously.

A day sans sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

He who laughs last, probably thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What happened?”