Kathmandu:

Even after my death, my eyes were open As if waiting for someone had become their habit...

These lines from a ghazal reminded me of my first love.

She was the epitome of everything that is ‘beautiful’. She was perfect in my vision. And it did not take long for me to be lost in my love for her.

I loved her so much that I was ready to give up everything, even my life, if she were to wish it so.

The life was cool then. The winter for me was beautiful spring. I used to wonder why people around me were filled with sorrows when there existed this marvellous thing called ‘love’?

However, it took just a few months for my bubble of love to burst. I realised that it was just me in love with her, not her in love with me. Life was not cool or as simple as I used to think it was. I had forgotten to see the reality.

I had lost my heart. I pretended like nothing had happened, but it was eating me inside. I tried to forget her, and was successful to some extent. I managed piece back my broken heart, but memories of her haunt me still.

I picture myself spending time with her, settling disputes easily... but then I am thrown back to the real world and yes, reality bites. I think that if even the memories of her provide me such comfort, I don’t think I need her to be present in my life.

I also don’t want to experience love again — once has been more than enough for me.

I wonder why God created this mysterious thing called love. It is painful to see the girl you love happy with someone else.

Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean that s/he should be yours. I’ve also learnt another lesson: “Don’t worry about the past as it is out of our hands, don’t predict the future as it is never certain, so live in total in the present.”

Finally, though not in this birth, I pray to god to make her mine in the next births. If not, then let this be my last birth.