Marriage or career?

I am a 21-year-old guy in love with a girl of the same age. We’ve been going around for four and half years. I am in Kathmandu, and she is in Pokhara. She wants us to get married, but I don’t want to marry right now. I think it’s too early. I’ve told her that I’d like to get a career, and then marry, but she doesn’t seem to understand. There is another guy who loves her, but she does not. She is also afraid her parents might agree to marry her off to this ugly guy. I love her a lot and don’t want to lose her. What should I do? — Wangdi Sangbo

Dear Wangdi Sangbo,

You sound like you wish your girlfriend married the other ugly guy, whom she does not love, so that you can you can be free to pursue your career. Have you considered that your girlfriend may be pressuring you to marry her because she is afraid her parents will marry her off to this Frankenstein? If you really love your girlfriend, I suggest you meet the girl’s parents or ask your parents to talk to your girlfriend’s Mother and Father. During the meeting, it would be prudent to indicate that the marriage will take place after four years. This will give you the breathing space you need.

Is it true love?

I am 19, and he is 24. We’ve been friends for the last four years. However, he proposed to me only last year because he was afraid that if he did so I would go away. I didn’t say either yes or no as he was my best friend and didn’t want to hurt him in any way. However, last Baisakh I said yes. And as soon as I accepted his proposal, he had to go abroad. We didn’t even meet each other before he left as he was in a big hurry and I had to appear for my exams. He has been mailing me regularly and has asked me to wait for him for two years. However, my friend tells me I shouldn’t trust or wait for him as all boys are the same and that he will soon forget me. I am confused. I also love him very much and though we belong to different castes, I am ready to wait for him. Is ours true love or just an infatuation? Does he really love me? — Nishan Sharma

Dear Nishan,

If you really love this guy, you must have the patience, the will power and conviction to wait for him for two years. This guy was your friend for four years before he proposed to you. He is also six years older and probably more mature about knowing what he wants. At the end of two years, you cannot tell him that his caste is a problem. This is unfair. So, you must sort this issue seriously of this second. If he is emailing you regularly and asking you to wait for him for two years you must trust his intentions. Not all men are the same — this is a jaded and cynical opinion. Secure long distance relationships give partners freedom, mobility and space. Even though you are very young, use these advantages to focus on your studies.

Former lover, or what?

I’m a 30-year-old man, a teacher by profession and am very soon going to get married to a woman. I love her very much and can’t live without. My problem is this — before my would-be wife came into my life, I was attracted to another girl from another caste. However, I never proposed to this girl because of my social status and profession. I know she also loved me very much, and we often exchanged gifts on special occasions. Now as I’m about to get married, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should I do? — Whirlpool pedagogue

Dear Whirlpool Pedagogue,

Do not get sucked in to the whirlpool of your making. Tread carefully and with wisdom. You are getting married to someone you love, so be happy. Before you do get married, visit this other woman and break the news gently to her, she is your friend after all. You don’t need to feel guilty because you never said you would marry her, or was there something deeper going on that you are uncomfortable about? If this is the case, you need to wrap up this affair with emotional finesse. Otherwise your fiancee will be getting a raw deal.

Love’s dilemma:

Everything started with a missed call. He called me on my cell, then I called him back. From then on we became friends. We had a common friend — a friend of my friend. Due

to this, I decided to continue with my new friendship and days passed. During the time,I was a little depressed and feeling lonely. He somehow made me feel happy. Later he told me he loves me. Initially I thought he was joking, but I found out he was serious. We had never met, only talked on the phone. Weeks later I accepted his proposal. Now it been nearly three months. It’s not that I am dissatisfied with this relationship, but one thing has been bothering me. He is very serious and talks about marriage, which is never possible because of our castes. He keeps saying it will be possible. My family is very strict, and moreover I don’t want to go against my family. I have started feeling as if I have started something which

I should never have. Whenever I talk to him, I feel guilty for I know what will happen to him when we break up, which will happen one day. Continuing this relationship would not be fair

because it will have to come to an end. But he loves me so much and I love him too. Please help me. — Confused gal

Dear Confused Gal,

Ideally speaking, love means a bond between two persons that can survive the test of caste differences, religion, ethnicity et cetera and survive beyond the parameters of societal pressure. Alas, the reality is quite different in the face of human frailty and fragility. If you feel that that you cannot marry this man because of his caste, there is no point encouraging him or declaring how much you love him. Learn to let go, there is no point expending both your energies and emotions on a relationship that cannot end (in your view) happily ever after.

Got any problems regarding your personal life, career or academics and want answers to? Mail Sangeeta Thapa at features@thehimalayantimes.com