TALK TO ME : Make space for others’ needs

Is no news good news?

I fell in love with my classmate in college who also became my very best friend. The problem with him is that he’s very shy and introverted. I kept my feelings hidden inside myself for two years and finally shared them with him in a letter a few days ago.Now he will not respond either to my calls or to my mails. What should I conclude from this? Is his lack of response a reply or is it that his shy nature stops him from telling me that he loves me?

— Sathi

Dear Sathi,

Do give your best friend some time. Perhaps he is feeling awkward with your confession. Perhaps, he doesn’t know what to say or how to react. If he has the same feelings for you, he will respond. If he does NOT respond at all I suggest that you write him another letter, or try to talk to him and tell him that even if he doesn’t feel the same way, that you are still ready to be friends.

Ulterior motive

I am 25 years old and I’m madly in love with a boy who is 18. It’s been four years since we’re together. He loves me but says he does not. I am confused because if he does not love me then why does he call me for dates? He also calls me when he needs help. Every date we have has a motive behind it from his side. I know this but I still go to meet him because I am madly in love with this guy. Once I told him not meet me anymore but he threatened to come to my house and make a scene. I don’t know what to do. Please help!

— Confused

Dear Confused,

Your problem clearly indicates that you are being horribly used by this boy. He is taking advantage of the fact that you are in love with him and that you are willing to do anything for him. He knows you will help him, meet him when he wants to. If he really loves you, he would not treat you this way. The fact that he threatened to come to your house to make a scene if you stopped seeing him speaks volumes. Your eighteen-year-old is more confused and manipulative than you. Eventhough he has not said that he loves you there is an attachment. I suggest you tell him about how you feel. If he feels the same way about you try to work things out. If he makes it clear that he is NOT in love with you, sever your ties with him. Don’t be intimidated by the fact that he has threatened to come to your home to make a scene. Stop being used. Be brave and move on...

He or I?

I have a fiancée and she has a best friend who is already married. I don’t like her best friend. She meets him twice or three times a day and phones him regularly, which is more than she would do for me. In fact, she rarely calls me. When I told her to dump her best friend she replied that she can leave me but can’t leave her best friend. Even on Valentine’s Day, she was with her best friend. She also scolds me, using abusive words in front of her family when I call her. She is haughty with me and it makes me think that she does not value our engagement. Do you recommend that I break our relationship?

— Rajan, Bhaktapur

Dear Rajan,

First of all, is this an arranged marriage? Do not enter a marriage where you will feel insecure. Always be sure of what you are getting into. What do you know about your fiancé’s best friend, other than the fact that he is already married and that your fiancé and he are constantly in touch? Is your jealousy and interference upsetting your fiancé? Is this what prompted her to declare that she would rather dump you than lose her best friend? As you are not married to your fiancé, she might be finding your commands premature and hard to digest. However, the fact that she preferred to spend Valentines Day with her best friend and not her fiance, the fact that she already scolds and abuses you — could only mean two things:

you have totally rubbed her up the wrong way OR you need to terminate your engagement to a woman who is totally not interested in you.

A second wife?

I have fallen head over heels in love with a woman. She loves me and shares her sorrows with me over her the untimely death of her husband. She is not ready to accept my marriage proposal because she is worried about what her relatives will say. We have spent some beautiful moments together and have expressed our love for each other. However, we have not spent nights together because we know that our society is dead against it. It is time for the society to change. I am a married man and have two college going kids who, I am sure, they will accept her as their mother and give her as much respect and love as they give to their own mother who is bedridden. Considering the fact that I still love my wife as much as she does me, can I go ahead and marry my other love?

— Murari Prasad, Kalaiya, Bara

Dear Mr Prasad,

I think you should be aware of the fact that it is illegal to be married to two wives. Your first wife, though bedridden, is very much alive. The fact that your first wife is bedridden must be physically and emotionally frustrating for you. Please remember that your wife must feel even worse about her condition... being a wife and a mother she has duties that she would enjoy fulfilling but cannot because of her sickness. Do your wife and children know that you are seeing another woman? Have you truly analysed your feelings about this other woman?

Is it love or just the lust factor? You claim to love your wife, if you do, how can you have feelings for some other woman?

The woman you desire is worried about what her relatives will say about her remarrying. In a conservative society like ours her hesitation is justified. You seem to have no qualms about how your family will react and seem to believe that this new woman will be accepted by all the members of your family with open arms. Have you considered that your girlfriend may not be so receptive to your collegegoing children? Learn to be sensitive to others’ needs. Tread gently. Can you financially support two wives... and additional children that may come along? Will your new wife have the unenviable task of looking after your first wife?

You need to take all these things into consideration before you make a final


Love or duty?

I’m a 20-year-old girl from a typical Mongolian family and have been doing my BBS for one year now. According to my parents I’m at the right age to get married but I managed to convince them otherwise. We made an agreement that I will marry a man of their choice but only after I have completed my BBS. My problem is that I have been chatting with a Brahmin guy for three years and we have become good friends. We share everything. He has proposed

to me many times but I told him that we’re no more than good friends. But now my feelings are starting to change and I know I’m in love with him. I feel like I can’t live without him. I have already promised my parents to marry a man of their choice and I know I can’t break my word. Please show me the path that I should take at this stage of my life.

— Karma, Butwal

Dear Karma,

What do you actually mean when you say that you have been chatting with a Brahmin boy? Are you meeting him in person and chatting or is this one of those everburgeoning internet love affairs? Are you sure this Brahmin boy’s parents will accept an intercaste marriage? Have you considered how your own typical Mongolian parents will react to an intercaste marriage?

The family unit is very important. You already made a commitment to your family that you would accept an arranged marriage. Since you have already told them that you would marry the person of their choice, I suggest you meet the man of their choice with no strings attached

and see how you feel. If you like him, it will be good for you and your family. However if the prospective groom proves to be a disaster and you still feel strongly for your Brahmin boy, you must tell your parents the truth. Introduce your boyfriend to your parents so that they can meet him too. Seek his parents’ blessings, too. Times are changing and we can no longer be trapped by caste, ethnicity and religion.