An assertive act leads to a settlement — to a no-conflict situation, to a resolution. There are no losers on either side after an assertive settlement, and assertive people actually want the other side to win, too.

Assertive behaviour omits blame. Blame and faultfinding are aggressive acts, which focus on the past; while the real issue is not the past but the changes we want now in the relationships. Blame and fault-finding put us on the defensive; and then the fight is on and one side loses. Both fighting and blaming are aggressive acts, asserting and compromising are what is needed.

Emoting usually precedes asserting. Emoting means expressing one’s real feelings. Anger often needs to be expressed before assertive work begins. Asserting means stating one’s view of a good settlement and defending it without fighting. Usually we have to emote first, which results in calming us down, after which we are calm enough to assert ourselves well. We must learn to say no to the demands that others make upon us. Everyone has the right to say no without feeling guilty. Don’t blame others for the demands they make on you — decide if you want to go along with their demands, and if you don’t, simply say no.

Be assertive with your spouse, children, relatives, employer and friends. In other words, be assertive with all those who are important to you. The basis of all close relationships is mutual agreement as to our responsibilities to each other. — The Bright Side of Depression