CREDOS: First step

Therese J Borchard

Lately, when my depressive thoughts have tended to turn suicidal, I’ve been telling myself that I don’t want my life to be over. Not now. I want a reprieve from the pain. I’m usually at a loss on how to get there, which route to take. It can be so confusing.

I’m tired, frustrated, desperate, so my thoughts follow the path that has already been blazed throughout the years — to no avail. I fantasize about sudden death, intoxication, or some other destructive behaviour that, I must say, doesn’t require a lot of imagination.

But how else can I escape, in a more positive way, to a more positive state of mind? Well, I do have a choice.

Instead of romanticising about death or inebriation from dropping dead with booze, I can research new kayaking routes, bike baths, hiking trails, and camping sites and any number of other outdoor activities.

I can invest the time I lose in unproductive and dangerous thoughts into planning creative outings for myself and for the family that will give me/us the reprieve that I’m craving.

I can be proactive about finding sitters for the kids so that my thoughts won’t revert back to “stinking thinking.”

It’s so bloody hard to take that first step in the right direction... to Google the state parks in Maryland that rent canoes, or to tune up my bike for a nice ride. But those first few steps are the life savers because they afford me the positive escapes that I need.