It is an emerging field of thought that says that teaching 'pure' self-esteem isn't a waste of time and resources. Critics also say that schools should foster social and moral development as well as intellectual growth. Children, they contend, thrive when expression and achievement are present
The self-esteem movement, with its myriad garbs, has found its way into educational curricula, not to speak of parent-training programmes and books. Most parents, organisers, and their sponsors are passing out stars, stickers, and trophies to children for not doing much more than showing up. What's more, critics of the self-esteem brigade suggest that you are doing a disservice and pampering children. As a behavioural analyst put it, "You can't have self-esteem in the abstract. It is meaningless to say, 'I am a great person,' without having to go through the steps of who you are, what you stand for, and what you are able to do."
This new voice, against an old practice, is appropriate. It is an emerging field of thought that says that teaching 'pure' self-esteem isn't a waste of time and resources. Critics also say that schools should foster social and moral development as well as intellectual growth. Children, they contend, thrive when expression and achievement are present. So, the big point is children should be treated as inherently capable, and purposeful beings, who want to be engaged in the world around them. Because, they acquire a sense of significance from doing significant things.
It's agreed that a positive self-concept is important; it cannot be divorced from accomplishment, or a healthy relationship with others. So, what is essentially the bottom line of this novel pathway of thinking? Making achievement count, and dispensing with empty praise - to build self-esteem. This does not mean that many parents do not operate on the principle that they can't praise a child too highly, when they achieve good grades. The new theory underlines a sound precept - praise showered excessively or disconnectedly can lead to distrust and a gnawing sense of self-doubt in children.
To pick an example, by courtesy of William Damon, a noted psychologist, whose work has influenced this article, "A kid comes home saying he wasn't selected for the baseball team. His father says, 'Well, they're out of their minds. You are the best player around...' Now, someone is lying. The kid quickly figures out that his dad was saying that just to be nice. Then, he thinks back to that paper he did last week that dad said he liked, and he wonders: 'Was it any good?'"
Adds a child psychologist, "It is not a question of self-esteem and academic achievement. Both are important. And, before you focus on either of them, children have to feel good about themselves." Food for thought, really, because how often have we seen parents with PhDs, MBAs who 'chide' themselves within, or without, their fields of specialisation, or activity? Go figure, in your own neighbourhood and beyond.
At the same time, it isn't so simple. One need not search the horizon, or every home, to find out the raison d'être of parental expectations. Commonplace examples tell us that children whose parents are doctors have it all worked out, willy-nilly, in their minds. Most of them follow a pattern, emulating their parents' examples, and fulfilling their dreams. Be that as it may, most parents, in the troubled times we now live in, seem to have developed a realistic outlook, thanks to several modalities involved in pursuing such fancies. A majority of today's parents would surely want their children to respect them, because they ought to - not because they wish to. This, indeed, is a great expectation- more so, because of the generation gap that exists between parents and children in our Age of Information glut.
Says a Mumbai-based clinical pathologist, and father of two children, "Children are not scared of their parents, unlike the past. We, as children, never for once questioned our parents directly. Now, they do. They often ask us things like - why this, why not that? Maybe, the change has been for our own good. But, it becomes, at times, difficult for us to accept certain things, thanks to our mindset. We never had these privileges: of discussing things with our parents. Our children do. But, the idea is not without flaw. Children have become aggressive; they often think they can get away with it, at home, school, or elsewhere. More importantly, aggression can always boomerang on its proponent. You never know."
Most parents expect children to do well in their studies, like all well-meaning parents. As one parent put it, "I would be pleased if my kids took up a career in pathology, or chemistry - their mother's profession." Many parents expect children to be disciplined and work hard in their studies. Some don't. As one parent contends that he has no high expectations. "I expect good effort, all right, but I do not want to burden them with my own brand of expectations. That would be wrong. I am sure every parent would know that." He adds, "We, as parents, have got to take into consideration our child's aptitude, skill, or capacity, in effect. We should allow them to be what they are, or what they wish to be. The use of force is illogical. You can't use a stick to shape your child's career, or their future."
Not all parents are so practical. All of us know it for a host of reasons. How often have we come across stories in our own vicinity, or by way of newspaper reports, of parental pressure, even 'cruelty' of parents who 'terrorise' kids with their high dose of expectations? We are also witness to the plight of children who run away from home, attempt, or commit suicide, or take to the wrong side of good living, or crime, as a spin-off of such compunctions, or compulsions. Child-abuse is as old as the hills, all right; but, it seems to have reached 'alarming' proportions, thanks to intense competition, by way of academic statistics, not necessarily competence, in our madly competitive world.