MIDWAY : Crime against fashion

Many intriguing questions were raised by the Mills/McCartney divorce. Financial ones, certainly (such as whether it crossed Heather’s mind that there was a certain irony in her complaint about being depicted as a gold digger while digging for GBP 125m of her husband’s gold), but the style issues, from all parties, were similarly striking.

First, Heather, a gift who just keeps on giving. Displaying the same kind of judgment that led her to whinge that a GBP 35,000 salary would consign her daughter to a “B-class” life, Heather’s choice of outfit was, shall we say, prettymaverick.

Like many people, Heather opted for a strict three-piece suit for her day in court. Unlike many people, she appears to have made hers from a medieval harlequin costume.

Yes, made. As well as acting as her own lawyer these days, Heather is now acting as her own tailor, frequently designing her own outfits, including, one can only assume, this one. Really, it’s just disgusting the way people just don’t appreciate this modern-day renaissance woman, as she herself probably says.

And as she definitely would say, it is not fair just to pick on Heather (although, one sorely longs to say to her, she could help herself in this regard) so let us look at Paul. Or more specifically, Paul’s shoes, which looked two sizes too large.

Oh, Paul. Here is a man who is just not meant to live on his own, a fact that led him into this mess in the first place. He could not have looked more pathetic if he’d arrived eating cold soup out of a tin.

And now we come to Fiona Shackleton’s hair, which arrived at court freshly blow dried and left a little soggier. Heather appeared to take credit for it when she said McCartney’s lawyer had been “baptised” in court. In what must be a bit of a first in this whole saga, Heather may well have done women a favour because she showed that a blow dry might not always be a good look.

Divested of hers, Shackleton morphed from Neighbours’ Madge Bishop to — if she will pardon the informality of the term — quite a hot blonde. Actually, I know a man who might be in the market for one of those. Maybe that’s why Paul was looking so positive about the future outside the court.