Canned spinach or chocolate cake? That’s how singles today are made to see the choice between premarital sexual abstinence and conventional sexualized dating. Popular culture screams: “Take the cake.” Abstinence advocates preach: “Eat your vegetables.” But it is a false choice.

Premarital sex is the stale, half-eaten Twinkie. It too often goes hand in hand with much unhappiness: emotional distress, lacklustre school performance, diverted dreams, career stagnation, and misguided marriage choices. But when you’re head over heels in love, something called “abstinence” doesn’t exactly make the heart sing. I’ll pass on the canned spinach, thank you. Is that the only vegetable you have today? What about those perfectly sweet heirloom tomatoes?

There is a third way, however, one that bypasses the Hollywood illusions and the finger-wagging didactics. That way involves replacing the concept of sexual abstinence with the more positive vision of innocent courtship. The term “abstinence” actually puts the focus on sex as this alluringly forbidden object. It would have young couples spend as much time thinking about what they won’t do on a date, as on what they will do. When interpreted literally, it leaves room for sexual practices that are inconsistent with the spirit of purity. Is it any wonder then that, focusing on abstinence, the result is often frustration, boredom, or guilt?

But chaste romance needn’t be seen as an exercise in self-denial. No, a focus on what really constitutes true love should leave singles free to explore the sweetness and satisfaction of courtship based on innocent affection. Then the boundaries in physical relationships get drawn less with pent-up frustration and more with grace and lightness of heart. This progressive type of courtship strengthens each partner’s life purpose and enables informed decision making about marriage compatibility.

There is evidence that singles are craving the delight of such innocent courtship. Consider the tremendous public interest in Jane Austen, as evidenced by the frequent adaptations of her novels for film and television. Think about the love between Anne and Frederick in Persuasion. Is there any room for sensuality in the sweetness and steadfastness represented in that courtship? Are Jane Austen’s stories not a beacon for the many singles who are seeking a new model for relationships, courtship, and marriage?

When Frederick finally pours out his heart to Anne, after more than eight years of constancy, the feelings race at light speed through the centuries. Lingering on an apartment doorstep, we smile at the surprising sweetness of saying good night when it’s hard to say good night. We find our joy together in the here and now. And we see that waiting is not about canned spinach. Waiting is devotion.

And devotion is love. Old-fashioned love can still thrive in this newfangled world. Heartfelt courtship, with all its delight and devotion, is a feast from which no one need abstain. — The Christian Science Monitor