When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor just because it was considered the most reputed profession. I had no idea about the process of becoming a doctor. All I knew was that a doctor is a "big person". And I wanted to be a "big person". It was nothing more than a desire.

Growing up, I learned how one became a doctor.

I learned what effort it takes to become one. But I didn't want to work hard, so I gave up my dream very early.

I must have been 8 or even less when I dreamt of being a doctor, and my desire vanished before I turned 10.

At that time, road construction was going on in my village. On seeing the engineers and the respect they were getting from the people, my interest drifted towards engineering.

I was fascinated by the way they put on their helmets. "Yes, this is it. I will be an engineer," I said to myself.

One day, I asked one of my teachers, "How does one become an engineer?"

"By studying engineering.

One must be good at mathematics," he replied, smiling.

When I came to know that one had to be good at mathematics to get enrolled in an engineering college, I could do nothing but give up my dream.

I should have worked hard and continued to chase my dream, but mathematics was beyond my ability. Plus, I never wanted to work hard. Such a lazy fellow I was. I still am.

My other friends still said they wanted to be a doctor or an engineer someday.

But I was already scared by the hard work one needed to put in order to be either of them, so I used to look blankly at my teachers whenever they asked me about my dream and future career.

I didn't want to be a doctor or engineer, and I felt uneasy to say something other than these as other fields were also less attractive to me. I was from a society where people were told to dream big. I had started questioning why only doctors and engineers were considered superior.

I could never have a stable dream. My dreams and desires kept on swinging like a pendulum.

Teachers, relatives and family members kept asking me about my future plans, but I never answered them. It is because I never want to hold on to a certain profession. And today, I have no ambition in my life.

All I want is a bed to sleep in, good health and food to eat. these are my only plans of life.

I need money too, but just for a cure should I fall sick. At this point in life, I don't care about my dreams. I just want to live.

For me, my survival is more important than anything else. I enjoy writing today, but if my interest slides into music someday, I'll sing. To be honest, I don't even have any plans for tomorrow.

A version of this article appears in the print on August 18 2021, of The Himalayan Times.