Rajesh Adhikari

Kathmandu

It was nearly a year ago that I was introduced to this girl who, in the long run, became the core of my heart. Her innocence, frightened face and inexpressible attraction lured me. “Nanu, you need to come to the school in proper uniform,” I told her and she answered in a voice that was faint, “I will try my best to be in proper uniform.”

When I heard her, a fierce feeling arose in me to protect her. Love had crept into me and I searched in myself for reasons why it should. Slowly, she began to be interested in me too and I proposed her. She, in a silent hush accepted.

Very often we would meet in my room, discuss on each other’s concerns and practice the course books prescribed to her by the school. She cherished my company. One day, it so happened that she came to my room at around 8 am. We had a conversation on formalities and devoted ourselves to the standardisation of her trigonometry. Both of us were so absorbed in mathematics that we had lost track of time. It was 1pm before we took a break. Till then, she had eaten almost nothing.

It was summer and the room was stuffy because of the tin roof. We went out to eat. We went out a lot together — hiking, picnics and safaris. She always actively participated in the excursions that I went to and never grumbled.

Blood sisters and family relationships are strong but this particular girl had become the dearest of them all. She had taken root in my feelings, she had become my dearest sister. Whatsoever I find beautiful on earth reminds me of her — the shimmering moon, the rising sun, dusk, maternal care, the tender breeze, lofty mountains, panoramic views and even the last drop of blood. There’s nothing on earth that could make me forget her. Everything around me breathes of — the flowing river, the stalwart mountains, death, birth, a marriage procession or funeral, day or night — they bring her back to me always.

There is nothing on earth that is eternal and what is eternal is the soul and its attributes. As per the law of nature, one day she died and left me only memories. Melancholia overtook me and suddenly I was alone. The fire burnt her to ashes. Suddenly, that was all she had become — a handful of burnt ash.

The times that we spent together haunt me and appeals to be brought back but I am sure that she is gone. She is no longer here. What remain are memories as I spend myself in rapt retrospection of sunny days that seem like they’ll never return. I search for her in the mob that surrounds me but all I find is pain, hatred, jealousy and betrayal.

She remains in the depths of my heart. I am lost in the fathomless enigma.