TALK TO ME: Men could really be from Mars

Commuting woes:

I am from a middle class family and have to use the public transportation facility as a means of transportation. While doing so I have faced a number of problems. Men misbehave with me and I think its so with the other girls too. Especially men in 40’s and early 50’s are such lechs. Now I have become paranoid. Even if a guy does not misbehave, I feel completely vulnerable and get really scared to travel. I have had bad experience with men. I had a boyfriend two years ago. He wanted to have a physical relationship with me. I refused a couple of times but then he insisted saying he will never ask again. When he did ask again, I dumped him because I felt he wanted me only because of that. I seem allergic to men now. I hope I don’t go mad with all these things. Please help me. What should I do to remove this fear from my mind?

— Allergic Girl

Dear Allergic Girl,

If you have to use the bus you gotta use the bus. Learn to cope and be prepared. Take one of those good old fashioned non-folding umbrellas with you with the spiky steel end. If any one gropes you, just remember to give them a good lancing with your umbrella. Tell the other girls to do the same. Remember there is strength in numbers. Be pro-active, make sure that you ride the bus with a whole sisterhood of umbrella-wielding gals who are not afraid to those let lechy men get away. I think once you resolve the bus issue and stop feeling victimised you will feel better about yourself and your boyfriend.

Love actually:

I am 21 years old and in love with this girl but don’t know if we can actually carry on with our relationship. She is three years younger to me but that is not the problem. She is my first cousin and I don’t know what to do. I love her very much and she too is in love with me but we cannot get married. Society will never allow us to. Please advise me. I really do not know what t do.

— Sumeet

Dear Sumeet,

In some Nepali families marriage between first cousins is allowed, but only if the family gotra is different. However, marrying your cousin is like marrying your own sister and this means your offspring will have a higher chance of any defective gene being re-emphasised. Inbreeding results in a weakening of the gene line. This is probably why marriages between first cousins became a cultural taboo. So take heed. In a closed society like ours, which encourages for cousins and family to meet and restricts meeting with outsiders, love stories such as yours are bound to take place. It is about what is readily available. You are only 21 and it is not the end of the world. Meet some other girls and release both yourselves from guilt of conducting what would be deemed by society as an unpermissible and incestuous relationship.

Yearning for the one:

Like the others guys I too wish to have that special someone in my life. I want to share everything with her. I would like to take her out for dinner or lunch, go shopping with her and take long and romantic walk with her. But I do not have anyone in my life. I have tried making girlfriends since school but I haven’t been successful. I am a good guy and do not have any such bad habits but still no one falls for me. What do I do?

— Troubled

Dear Troubled,

Do not trouble with trouble until trouble troubles you. Why get uneccesarily fixated on having a girlfriend? Peer pressure is not a good enough reason. Some things just have to happen naturally.You can’t force anyone to be your girlfriend. Be patient. When the right girl comes along, you will know and she will know, too. Mutual attraction is all about good chemistry taking place. So take it easy. And hey! congratulations on being good guy without any bad habits.

What is love?

We were introduced as friends. Later she confessed her feelings for me. She’s pretty, talented and better than me in all respects. So I thought I would not be the right suitor for her and rejected her proposal. Besides, we’re from different religious and cultural backgrounds but I am not sure if they would object to this relationship. Despite that she has been loving and caring as a friend. She has rejected other proposals because she still loves me. Sometimes I feel I’m not worthy for her love but deep inside I do love this girl and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I can’t express my feelings to her and the thought of losing her is so painful. What should I do?

— Sad guy

Dear Sad Guy,

Stop feeling so insecure about yourself. You need to overcome this negative aspect of your personality to get ahead in life. This girl loves you despite all your insecurities, the difference in your in religious and cultural backgrounds and has stood by you during troubled times. The fact that she proposed to you means she crossed the boundaries of her own religion’s constraints. Are you worried your parents won’t accept her? Is this the issue that is holding you back? Because you are “not sure if they would object”. Clear this up with your parents right away. If you really love this girl,tell her, hang on to her and spare yourself the pain and be happy.

If you have any problems that you need to find answers to, then mail Sangeeta Thapa at