Am I too promiscuous?

I’m a 22-year-old woman who has just broken up a year-long relationship. We broke up because I just couldn’t move on. Though we were physically intimate, I always felt that a relationship should be more than just ‘that’ and that it shouldn’t cause any kind of insecurity. I couldn’t take it any more — I was going against my principles. I didn’t like the person I was, and felt that if I can’t love myself, then I can’t love someone else. In most of my relationships, guys have always been obsessed with me or have taken me as a prized possession. I felt that was too unreal and it made me question — am I doing the right thing? After the breakup with this guy, a cousin of his happened to call me up and I don’t know what happened, and we made out. I feel terrible because once again I deviated from what I want, and most importantly guilty because that was the very reason for my break up. I also know the best solution to a problem comes from the problem-holder, but I need opinion regarding what I need to do. Do you think I need to make a confession or seek some serious help? — Dechen

Dear Dechen,

You did the right thing by breaking up with your boyfriend. Why be in a relationship that was based purely on sex and that is not going anywhere? Trust your instinct. Feelings of insecurity can be unsettling and depressing for anyone. Take time to know yourself better and come to terms with what you really want from life and from your future partner. Only make commitments when you have understood what you truly want. As for you making out with your ex’s cousin, that’s a real “OUCH” even though you have technically broken up with him. Let us hope for your sake and your ex’s sake that this cousin is discreet about what happened.

For now, you need to stay clear of your ex and his cousin and begin anew. Break-ups and make-ups always happen, learn to move on.

Infatuated friend:

My friend is in love with her mother’s friend’s son. We are in Class X and he is doing his Bachelors. She keeps on dreaming about him everytime and talks about him all the time. But as for him, she says, that he doesn’t even notice her and says that she’s very sad. Since she’s dreaming all the time, she can’t even concentrate on her studies. I have tried to make her understand that she should take all this attraction lightly, but it doesn’t help. I don’t know what a friend should do. — Shovana

Dear Shovana,

No offence, but don’t you think your friend should be busy studying for her SLC exams, rather than dreaming about a man who does not even realise that your girlfriend and he exist on the same planet. The best advice I can give your friend is that she should occupy herself with other hobbies and interests rather than being fixated on her mother’s friend’s son.

However, if common sense does not prevail, perhaps your friend can take a bold step and find an opportune moment to tell this man just how she feels about him. If his answer is positive, your friend she can be happy. If not she should realise that her SLC exams are more important for the moment and that there will be other men in the future who will be worthy of her attention.

She’s been avoiding me:

She was married and her husband is working outside the country. After we knew each other for a couple of years we expressed our love for each other. However, this was only just a month before I went abroad myself. The time we spent together were the best in my life. She used to send me letters and phone me saying that she missed me and that she was waiting for me. Now I am back home after three years. I had waited to see her again, but when I actually did meet her after all these years, I could not believe the shock that was in her eyes when she saw me. She didn’t even talk to me properly. I have tried many times to talk her and meet in order to know why she is avoiding me, however she always hesitates or avoids me. It is hurting me a lot, and I feel guilty thinking I am going after her against her wishes. Please help. — Anonymous guy

Dear Anonymous Guy,

You have not made it clear whether this woman is separated from her husband or a divorcee? People change and feelings can also change with time. You need to understand that people also fall in love and out of love. This can be painful to accept but it is the truth. I realise that you are hurt by her response to your arrival. I think you need to analyse her reaction carefully. Has she reconciled with her husband? Does she have children now? Has she found someone else? Is she simply too insecure about herself to carry on a relationship? You NEED to ask her these questions instead of wearing your heart on your sleeve. Do this soon to avoid complicating both your lives.

10-year-old loves me:

I am really confused about my love story. Fourteen months ago a girl, who is just 10-years-old proposed to me. She loves me very much, but some years ago she was afraid to even come near me. I was engaged to a girl who is exactly 10 years elder to me. Now, this 10-year-old wants me to have no other relation except with her. She doesn’t even like me spending time with my friends. She always kisses me when she finds me alone and does not give a d*** about anyone or anything. She wants me to always spend time with her. What should I do to solve this problem? I love her and want her to be life partner as our love is very pure. — Suraz Shrestha

Dear Suraz,

Do this girl’s parents know what you are up to? Are all these sick games going on in the sly? No parent would condone such a situation. It might be flattering for you to have a 10-year-old declare her undying love to you. However, as an adult you need to behave with more responsibility. Why are you dilly-dallying with a 10-year-old? This is not normal. Do you realise that groping a 10-year-child and exchanging kisses is a crime and that you can be arrested for this? Your behaviour reveals that you may be a paedophile. For paedophiles, innocent, vulnerable and impressionable young girls and boys are real magnets. You need to stay away from this girl before you damage her forever. I urge you to seek psychological counselling immediately.

Friends’ many admirers:

I have got a friend in the UK. She is studying there. There are six guys who like her a lot. My friend has asked for my advice concerning these guys, but I can’t think of anything. Can you please help me? What should I as her friend say to her? — Spicky

Dear Spicky,

Choices! Choices! You should tell your friend that just because all those six guys like her a lot, it doesn’t mean that she has to like all of them back in return. Does she know these men well? Is she friends with them? Does she like all of them or just one of them? Does she want to be in a relationship with any of them or one of them in particular? These are questions you need to ask your friend. She has to make the decisions about her love life and not you.

If she wants to be in a relation with one of the six and can’t decide who, maybe she needs to know these men better in order to make a decision. Let us hope your friend does not lead these besotted men on in the process. If she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with any of them, she should make it clear to them. Why have half a dozen eager beavers panting around unless your friend is a head hunter on an ego trip?

Got any problems regarding your personal life, career or academics and want answers to? Mail Sangeeta Thapa at features@thehimalayantimes.com