Lynn Battle

It is not until we can say ‘no’, that our ‘yes’ means ‘yes’, and our ‘no’ means ‘no’. Here’s how to say what you mean and make your stand.

Don’t get rejection confused

Some people who find saying ‘no’ difficult are confusing rejection of a request with rejection of the person making the request. Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean you don’t like the person, just that you’re refusing their current request, and vice versa.

Be honest, calm and polite

It will help you keep control, and avoid escalating the situation or alienating the other person. Remember people like an honest ‘no’ better than delayed refusals.

How do you say ‘no’ and mean it?

1. The direct ‘no’

When someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, just say ‘no’. No apologising, be direct and succinct. If someone asks you to join them for lunch, simply say:

No, no thank you.

2. The reflecting ‘no’

Here you acknowledge the content and feeling of the request, then you add the assertive refusal at the end:

I know you want to talk to me about organising the annual department lunch, but I can’t do lunch today.

3. The reasoned ‘no’

Give a brief and genuine reason for the refusal without opening up further negotiation:

I can’t have lunch with you because I have a report that needs to be finished by tomorrow.

4. The rain check ‘no’

A way of saying ‘no’ to a specific request without giving a definite ‘no’. It’s a prelude to negotiation, not a rejection of the request. Only use it if you genuinely want to meet the request:

I can’t have lunch with you today, but I could make it sometime next week.

5. The enquiring ‘no’

A way of opening up the request, to see if it’s something you want to do:

I can’t have lunch today, but is there anything else you want to talk to me about, other than the new proposal?

6. The broken record

This can be used a lot, in all sorts of situations. Repeat the simple statement of refusal again and again. No explanation, just repeat it. It’s necessary to use this with particularly persistent requests:

No, I can’t have lunch with you.

Oh, please, it won’t take long.

No, I can’t have lunch with you.

Oh, go on, I’ll pay.

No, I can’t have lunch with you.