The Guardian

London:

Now that the summer holidays are here, you and your brood are likely to be on full outdoor display. Doors and windows are flung open, allowing the neighbours to hear your screaming rows. Picnics in parks and days out at the seaside mean that all your parenting shortfalls are likely to be exposed. We all do things at home that we swore we never would: plonking the children down in front of a video, opening a can of spaghetti hoops for their lunch. Alfresco, it is harder to conceal. If you want to give the impression of good parenting, you need to know how to fake it in public. To get you through the heat of summer, here is an introductory guide to parenting cool.

Picnics and parties

If you go on a picnic with friends, remember to take healthy snacks such as rice cakes, grissini or carrot sticks, even if your children are more accustomed to snacking on marshmallows and sherbet dip. If they demand chocolate, remark disapprovingly that you can’t imagine where they got that idea. Remember to empty the contents of your bag before setting out: old sweet wrappers and cola bottles will give you away. When the ice-cream van comes by, order your child a wholesome juice lolly before he can scream for something fancy that will make a frightful mess and raise disapproving eyebrows.

Don’t take anything to a picnic containing nuts: if your friend’s child gets rushed to hospital because of your thoughtlessness, you will not be asked back. If your own child has allergies, move like lightning through the party food without saying a word, removing anything dangerous to a discreet hiding place so the children won’t know what delights they are missing. When your friend finds the nut brownies in her handbag, she will praise your tactful foresight. Unless you forgot to put it in the shade.

Remember to take a clean shirt for yourself. This is far more important than taking spare clothes for the children. While it is quite endearing for a child to go running around with strawberry mousse on his shorts or banana smeared across her summer frock, a grown-up with chocolate ice cream on his crotch or sick on his shoulder is a disgusting sight, and does not give the impression that he is in control.

Always take hats for the children. Extensive bribery in advance may help to ensure they keep them on long enough to register with fellow parents. Do not let your children get sunburned, as this is now considered tantamount to infanticide. Lather them in factor 45 when you arrive at the picnic spot. If your child is already brown, declare immediately that they have olive skin and that no matter how much cream you put on they go this colour and then smother them in factor 45.

Outings

The combination of hot cars and children is potentially lethal, so any proposed outing with friends needs careful consideration. Once you have roasted in traffic, run out of drinking water and got sand in the egg and cress, you will barely be speaking to each other. If the seaside is more than half an hour’s drive away, play it safe and go and buy a paddling pool at Argos instead. Don’t be tempted to play with the children. Let them build their sandcastles by themselves, remarking loud enough for all to hear that it is a key part of their development to discover their creative energy. When things end, as they inevitably do, in tears, it is far more dignified to offer a comforting presence than to be implicated in any unpleasantness.

Address your child by its name. “Biddle-bod” and “Lord Snorklebury” are all very amusing in private, but such endearments are liable to make other people feel nauseous. If your friends have a swimming pool, make sure your children have the safety gear they need. It does not look good to be approached by another child’s father, dripping wet in his linen suit, bringing you your half-drowned son who jumped in the deep end while you were gossiping. Don’t get competitive with the children. The satisfaction of beating a bunch of five-year-olds at French cricket is brief and somewhat hollow. On the other hand, you don’t want to be humiliated at volleyball by a bunch of nine-year-olds. Keep up your game, in secret if you must. If they want to play their music on long car journeys, refrain from putting your hands over your ears and screaming at them to turn that racket off, it only encourages them. At the same time, do not pretend to like your children’s music and don’t tell them if you do. While you are on holiday, whatever you do, don’t let them see you dancing. You need to preserve all the dignity you can muster, there’s no sense destroying it all at once. Outings offer numerous opportunities for shopping. Stick to toys with an educational leaning when with friends. If you are on your own, the cheapest plastic crap will do.

Discipline

Be unfailingly nice to other people’s children, no matter what they do, and equally strict with your own. If little Johnny seizes a fistful of your treasure’s golden curls, unlock his fingers gently but firmly, saying in a loud voice, “It’s all right, Angel, Johnny didn’t realise it would hurt, he only wanted to amuse you.”

When your children misbehave, refrain from threatening actual bodily harm. It only makes people nervous, even though they would like nothing more than to give your little thug a good slap. Train your child to say “sorry” on demand, even if he doesn’t know the meaning of the word. An apology goes a long way while sand is being gently washed out of little Timmy’s eyes. If your little one comes out with a perfectly delivered, grammatically correct swear word, don’t bat an eyelid. Praise him elaborately for his grasp of the language, and encourage him in his efforts: “That’s it, you’ve nearly got it! Bucket! Well done. Buck-et.”