When love passes you by

Chandra Kumar Phuyal


It was my second day in campus when I was introduced to a girl. I asked for the notes of the previous day and she immediately handed it to me. “You can return it after copying all the things you missed,” she said. “If you can’t understand my handwriting, please ask me.” At home I turned the pages and found that her writing was neat and tidy. Her generosity left an impression. The next day, I met her on the way to campus. I returned the notes with gratefulness and asked if she cared for a cuppa since we still had a few minutes left before classes began. That was how our friendship began. In the three years that followed, we shared joy and pain. We had forged a friendship that was strong. After our Bachelor’s, I joined an NGO and went to a village called Chainpur in Sankhuwasabha for three months. It was difficult and I could not help shed tears as I watched her bid me goodbye with shaking hands and tears in her eyes.

Three months later when I returned to Kathmandu, I was dying to meet her. We had lost contact so, I directly made my way to her home. I saw a girl who looked very much like my friend. My joy knew no boundaries but I had butterflies in my tummy and my legs felt like jelly. The closer she came, I more I began to see that her face was like thunder. To my “Hello”, she stared with dreadful eyes as if I was a criminal, the slime of the earth. I wanted to embrace her but she stood quiet. Then tears began rolling down her cheeks. Silently, she stood and as silently, she passed me by. Her face wrought with tragedy, grief and depression. I felt guilty but for what I didn’t know. All I knew was that I loved her and wanted to tell her how much.

Numbly, I stood and watched her walk away. Doubts and questions began to crop in my mind. I felt like a fish stranded on the sand. I did not know what to do as my eyes too welled up with tears. I had wanted to meet her and here I was watching her walk away. The desire to talk to her was so great but I had missed the moment. She was gone. I hastily made some phone calls but they unearthed nothing. With fear in my heart, I searched for her everywhere I went for days on end.

One day, I was walking through Bhotahity when I chanced to see a familiar face. My nerves jangled as the face drew nearer. It was she. But she looked different. She wore ornaments and her hair was parted in the middle, the vermilion of the sindhur contrasting her dark tresses. She walked like a bride, lipstick making her lips fuller and more attractive. She was not the girl I had known three years ago. At her side stood the person who held her lovely hands. I could not bear to see them embrace each other and so, quickly walked away.

The ground beneath me seemed to break into pieces, the sky weighed down upon me and my legs carried a soulless body. I knew that my dreams had melted and my soul seemed to have disappeared in a smoke. Suddenly, I felt so alone. I still feel her absence but everyday, I learn to live with myself.