Monday, 10 May 2021

Goodbye 2017, and take your unicorns with you


Rainbowy Unicorn
Rainbowy Unicorn

Goodbye 2017, and take your unicorns with you

NEW YORK: You know all those things you wish would disappear but won’t? Us, too.


Please, rainbowy unicorns, stop throwing up and pooping all over everything. Also, you can keep your horns, tears and “snot” to yourselves.

The whole unicorn thing built in 2016 with special pink-adorned toast and other disturbingly pastel-colored foodstuff. The beauty industry piled on with hair dyes, nail polish, lipsticks, makeup brushes and all things glittery, holographic and sparkly that looked so darn “magical” on Instagram.

Those products included glittery “Unicorn Snot” for the face, body and lips. The makers say on their website they came up with the idea as a joke, but they perfected and persisted — and that’s when the magic happened.

Starbucks was distinctly not kidding with its Unicorn Frappuccino back in April. It “magically” started as a purple drink with swirls of blue and a first taste that is sweet and fruity, according to the company. One quick stir changed it to pink, tangy and tart. Vanilla whipped cream was involved, topped with a sprinkle of pink and blue powders. The words SWEET and SOUR don’t cover it sweet and sour next level get closer.

Katy Perry and Kylie Jenner went unicorn with cotton candy hair, along with others, but we need a truce now, dear unicorns.

That is unless you’re devotees, our little one-horned friends, of the equally magical venture capitalist Aileen Lee, who coined the term “unicorn startup” for that statistically rare startup company valued at more than $1 billion.


Brrrrr, and really? Who decided these tops and dresses were “seductive” and when? They’ve been building since at least 2013 and are all over runways and stores as an option to, what, cleavage?

Ok, that’s a lot of questions. We have cold-shoulder sweaters, button-down blouses, wispy little dresses, maxis to the floor and even bomber jackets and hoodies. What sense does that make, people?

Feedback from detractors — who don’t include Donna Karan and “The Real Housewives of Orange County” have this to say: “They look lame,” ″They are so unattractive” and, a personal favorite, “If I’m spending money on a sweater, the shoulders should come with it.”

A kissing, go-away cousin would be the bell and ruffled sleeve from below the elbow to the wrist, because who really needs to wear that. That’s not another question because those people are unicorns.

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