MIDWAY : Afterthought

Uday Lama

At times I give into afterthought which is a kind of introspection. During these periods I often analyse myself and my actions. Even though there is hardly any regret in doing so I do not succumb into my thoughts and it finds me unwinding in slow motion.

While at it there is only a twinge of remorse and my thinking takes a concrete form more or less. Dissection of my thoughts takes place without preamble and fanfare. It is in the quietness of the self that this transpires — a retreat into the inner sanctum as it were.

I ponder over what I have done. I discover about what should have been. Although I do not consider this retrogression, only a tinkering of the mental faculties — an ego trip into the past. This can last for as long as the images are vivid. And the next moment it melts and dissolves to be replaced by reality.

This link with the past endures indefinitely. This is not to say that I am obsessed in any way. Far from it this behoves me to find a meaning to my existence. In short what has happened in a physical sense finds its inkling in the here and now.

Whenever I dissociate myself, I do not come to a conclusion and rationalisation takes over. It means a lifting of mood and an emotion charged with excitement. Try as I might these intangibles tend to persist of its own accord. Considering that I am apt to foreclose it altogether if it turns out to be negative. Thus there is a clear correlation between what has been and what is. This is something to egg me on in the context in which I find myself.

A fusion between my deeds and thoughts makes it easier to accept or assimilate. Call it an internalisation of experience or whatever. And I am not caught off guard because these are only too familiar and discernible. The onset of which drives me on to ascertain the fact as it manifests itself in its entirety.

The pinpointing of the sources takes place unwittingly and makes for a brief foray into my files. A confirmation of what I already know by instinct or intuition or both. Perhaps this has

to do with gaining knowledge about relevant details. As such it means that there has been a flow of thinking albeit — belatedly. Moreover it points to a de’ facto recognition of the need for an afterthought.