This search for one’s identity is a weird fiasco. Why on earth am I asking this question and what do I expect as an answer for me? I wish I knew. There are days when this feeling is completely gone in a way as if it was never there, filled with satisfaction and fullness.
But again, in a moment or two, the fact that I was deceiving myself cripples its way back to me.
Oh lord, if only I could deceive others the way I deceive myself, I would be renaming myself as queen of deception, and no way would I count on Dynamo’s magic tricks or skills of Marvel’s editor.
Say it hormonal imbalance or psychological state, but every once in a while a feeling I can’t define sucks life out of me, shadows the heart and shakes my insides in a way no earthquake ever could.
I try every morning to separate the shades of the rainbow colours from life, but I wonder if there are more red cells in my brain than in my eyes. All I see are multiple shades of grey and white.
I fear to mouth those words in anyone’s presence because the sword of being diagnosed with depression always hangs upon me.
The aunties of my neighbourhood will get a new goat to slaughter, and all I will be is the teatime tatter.
Being a medical student did come to my assistance. Based on the so-called “research” I have done on this feeling of emptiness, all I have found is that it is a completely natural feeling. You don’t have to be a saint or seek the path of salvation to fill this void, although the choice is completely yours.
In the generation where we sigh twice if we have to wake up again to close the lights while going to bed, meditating somewhere far away is just not in our blood.
However, you can make the feeling go away or have it reoccur less often.
You must understand and accept the fact that this feeling is always going to be there, and don’t even try to fight with it.
Engage yourself in things you love doing, be it dancing, photography or anything that gets your adrenaline pumping.
Say hello to a stranger, go on dates, meet new people, and if you are an introvert, read a book or do anything that takes it off your mind.
Share what you are going through with someone close to you, and if the situation does not improve don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
A version of this article appears in print on February 11, 2020 of The Himalayan Times.