The amount of time most fathers spend with their infants is still limited. But the quality of their attention is as high as that of mothers. Yet, kids perceive their fathers as playmates
You are tense and jittery.
You are elated, also edgy, with anticipatory joy.
The scene is familiar. The hospital waiting-room, or lounge. You pace up and down the floor. You are mindful, yet impervious, to what is happening around you. You also have a feeling that you are 'watched' by everyone around. You know that you are soon going to be a father.
Your loving wife is in labour, encased by a fabulous mental awning: the 'ecstatic' pain and, then, the final joy, or ultimate happiness, of being a mother. The excitement is unparalleled by any other, more so for first-time parents.
As the anxiety mounts, you just wait for the good nurse, or doctor, to emerge, and make the all-important 'broadcast.' But, before you come to terms with yourself when the good news is revealed, you seem to be a wholly reassured, also thankful, human being. The elation of it all takes time to permeate in the perimeter of your thought. For one simple reason - time, as you figure at that wonderful hour, appears to stand still.
The role of the mother is sanctified for its unparalleled worth, down the ages.
Mothers have been the torch-bearers of every civilisation, or culture, within and outside of their homes.
Their mantle affected children directly; it still does.
This is a timeless paradigm.
It was unlike fathers, whose role was assumed, by and large, to draft their children indirectly through the mother.
Recent research quantifies that fathers influence their children directly, although it is agreed that only a select few among them are sufficiently involved and provide significant influence, especially during their child's early years.
It is universally agreed that the mother assumes primary responsibility for childcare, all right, especially feeding, in traditional families. This is one reason why fathers generally spend less time than mothers with their children. Yet, thanks to the compulsions of modern living and nuclear families, where both parents have to work, the equation is slowly changing.
However, the 'balance' is anything but remarkable.
In one early sample survey, conducted by a group of psychologists, on middle-class parents, just 10 per cent of fathers shared infant care-taking responsibilities, equally with mothers, 30 per cent had a regular care-taking responsibility, and 45 per cent reported that they had never changed diapers.
The good news today is that with an ever-increasing number of women entering the work force - and, with younger couples consciously deciding to eliminate gender-based roles - men have become increasingly involved in child rearing. Studies also suggest that fathers show interest in their new-born and are affectionate and responsive care-takers.
What's more, their 'affinity' can begin early - even as early as the bonding process in the first moments of the child's life.
The amount of time most fathers spend with their infants, it may be emphasised, is still limited. But, the quality of their attention, as psychologists suggest, is as high as that of mothers. Yet, it goes without saying that kids perceive their fathers as playmates; mothers as care-takers. If children want to play, they choose their fathers, a commonplace spectacle; if they want to be consoled, they seek out their mothers. At the same time, children also engage in different kinds of activities with each parent. In 'rough-and-tumble' games with fathers; in vocal sport with their mothers.
Fathers, like mothers, can engage in a variety of nurturing roles. But, for this delicate engagement to emerge, a husband and wife's relationship is often a strong, critical determinant of the quality of fathering and its impact on a child's development. Put simply, the role of the father in a child's social development is too vital. For instance, the absence of a father may produce a host of negative effects, unless the mother is aware of them.
She should not only be aware of them, but she'd also take steps to avert them. The earlier she takes 'control,' the better it is for her child. To cut a long story short, both mothers and fathers can take care of their children effectively.
A parent's primary responsibility is to take care of their child. Only quality parental care can bring in results for the optimal development of the child.
This care should be total, not served by way of any rationing article of faith. You don't have a half-way house for good ideas to bear fruit.
No quid pro quo, too.
One of the biggest problems today's parents, especially fathers, face is the communication gap.
Not in all families, though. The reason is simple.
In some families, parents talk too much; in others, they fail to listen to their kids, or are control freaks. Contributing to the communication gap is the generation gap.
Just take a look at what is going on between you and your child. As a committed parent, one should visualise the dynamics this way - this is how a parent should understand oneself.
You have to be relaxed and open. You should allow your child to express themselves, as they 'deem' fit.
More than that, parents have to behave well, whatever the situation. Because, children learn their behaviours by watching their parents.
Making yourself available, as child psychologists articulate, is one of the keynotes for good parenting.
Younger children don't need detailed memos, or intellectual gibberish.
They just need to know you're there and that you take care of their broken toys, mend them, or even treat their cold.
A little sympathy is reassuring.
It helps you build bridges of communication like no other.
When you bolster yourself with such platforms, early on, while talking about some uncomfortable subjects, as your child grows up, it becomes much more informal to handling things. Also, good parents should give sensible feedback, not sermon, or advice.
This is because calm critique can only produce a feeling of caring and friendship.
A version of this article appears in the print on June 28, 2023, of The Himalayan Times.
